The Oddities of the Human Race
Most of my female friends are probably going smack me after reading this blog, actually almost all of them will because they do anyway on a regular basis. AS you can probably tell, this blog bashes women. It was actually an essay for English but I decided to share it with all you bloggers out there. I got 80% on this bugger so enjoy...
The battle of the sexes involving the normality of men and the abnormality of women is directly proportioned to the actions of said sexes. Taking into account the emotions and complex verbal and non-verbal communications used by women to confuse and disorient men, the conclusion has been drawn that all persons of said feminine sex are oddities. In other words, all women are very strange.
One abnormality of females is their unfounded fear of being alone. They seem to take the term “strength in numbers” entirely too seriously. For instance, women can’t go to the bathroom alone. But perhaps it isn’t that women are afraid to be alone; maybe they need coaching? The fear of being solitary goes to such great extents that women will stay on the phone for hours to avoid realizing their temporary position as a hermit. Most of the time spent on the phone is used for the exchange of gossip. The transaction of abnormally juicy gossip can be identified by the use of “like, oh my god!” which will be repeated several times throughout the conversation.
Confusing and frustrating men seems to be a favorite pass time for women, it’s as if seeing a man have a nervous breakdown amuses them. Women expect a guy to read minds. He must know exactly what to do in every situation, even a new one, and he has to know exactly what the problem is from a simple “hello”. Another example is what men have unofficially dubbed “The Question of Doom”. This question has no right answer. At first when asked if a woman is fat the first response is to say no. The problem with this is if “no” is said to fast the man will be accused of trying to cover something up, but if no is said to slowly his hesitation will be taken as a yes. And of course it does not need to be mentioned what would happen if the response actually were yes. If a man compliments any female she will over analyze what he said and from a compliment about her hair she will take it to mean something as drastic as he hates her and is moving to Africa. Probably the most frustrating thing that women do is get ready to go out. It seems that getting ready must be done in no less then two hours else the whole world will end. Their whole outfit must be laid out before them and the colors must compliment each other perfectly. Which brings up another point, white is white, there is no eggshell, no mother of pearl, no anything! It’s all white, women seem to think that a prettier name makes it a different color, and they get annoyed at men who say that sea foam is just light green.
Anything mechanical seems to elude women. To women a car is just a jumble of metal that gets you from point A to point B. When the oil light comes on the thought of actually changing the oil occurs to them, the problem can be solved simply with a piece of tape over the light. Power tools are all hammers that are in various shapes and sizes. It doesn’t matter what the actual use of the tool is, as long as it can drive a nail into wood it’s a hammer.
Some strange habits women have make no sense to the opposite sex, such as shopping. To women, shopping is a competitive sport. Nothing seems to beat the thrill of rushing through a store with a shopping cart racing to the bargain bins just to get socks for two cents cheaper than usual. Another habit is how women seem to have a shoe for every situation. No matter their mood, time of day or weather, they have a shoe specifically for it. Bugs are another one, it’s unbelievable how they can be afraid of something that’s a mere fraction of their size. Most bugs can’t harm you in anyway, yet women seem to be petrified of them.
It truly is amazing how the survival of the human race relies on something so strange. A woman might argue that men are worse then women, but at least we can go to the bathroom alone and aren’t in a constant state of paranoia that we will be mobbed by viscous ladybugs.
I'm well aware that some of you female readers are probably wondering how i got such a good mark on this, sometimes i wonder the same thing. but just because i want to mention it, my teacher is Mrs. Woods, and she hates me because of my little incidents that always occur that seem to piss her off. but she gave me 80 on this sucker and she is female (at least she appears to be) so that has to mean something.
-Matt
Most of my female friends are probably going smack me after reading this blog, actually almost all of them will because they do anyway on a regular basis. AS you can probably tell, this blog bashes women. It was actually an essay for English but I decided to share it with all you bloggers out there. I got 80% on this bugger so enjoy...
The battle of the sexes involving the normality of men and the abnormality of women is directly proportioned to the actions of said sexes. Taking into account the emotions and complex verbal and non-verbal communications used by women to confuse and disorient men, the conclusion has been drawn that all persons of said feminine sex are oddities. In other words, all women are very strange.
One abnormality of females is their unfounded fear of being alone. They seem to take the term “strength in numbers” entirely too seriously. For instance, women can’t go to the bathroom alone. But perhaps it isn’t that women are afraid to be alone; maybe they need coaching? The fear of being solitary goes to such great extents that women will stay on the phone for hours to avoid realizing their temporary position as a hermit. Most of the time spent on the phone is used for the exchange of gossip. The transaction of abnormally juicy gossip can be identified by the use of “like, oh my god!” which will be repeated several times throughout the conversation.
Confusing and frustrating men seems to be a favorite pass time for women, it’s as if seeing a man have a nervous breakdown amuses them. Women expect a guy to read minds. He must know exactly what to do in every situation, even a new one, and he has to know exactly what the problem is from a simple “hello”. Another example is what men have unofficially dubbed “The Question of Doom”. This question has no right answer. At first when asked if a woman is fat the first response is to say no. The problem with this is if “no” is said to fast the man will be accused of trying to cover something up, but if no is said to slowly his hesitation will be taken as a yes. And of course it does not need to be mentioned what would happen if the response actually were yes. If a man compliments any female she will over analyze what he said and from a compliment about her hair she will take it to mean something as drastic as he hates her and is moving to Africa. Probably the most frustrating thing that women do is get ready to go out. It seems that getting ready must be done in no less then two hours else the whole world will end. Their whole outfit must be laid out before them and the colors must compliment each other perfectly. Which brings up another point, white is white, there is no eggshell, no mother of pearl, no anything! It’s all white, women seem to think that a prettier name makes it a different color, and they get annoyed at men who say that sea foam is just light green.
Anything mechanical seems to elude women. To women a car is just a jumble of metal that gets you from point A to point B. When the oil light comes on the thought of actually changing the oil occurs to them, the problem can be solved simply with a piece of tape over the light. Power tools are all hammers that are in various shapes and sizes. It doesn’t matter what the actual use of the tool is, as long as it can drive a nail into wood it’s a hammer.
Some strange habits women have make no sense to the opposite sex, such as shopping. To women, shopping is a competitive sport. Nothing seems to beat the thrill of rushing through a store with a shopping cart racing to the bargain bins just to get socks for two cents cheaper than usual. Another habit is how women seem to have a shoe for every situation. No matter their mood, time of day or weather, they have a shoe specifically for it. Bugs are another one, it’s unbelievable how they can be afraid of something that’s a mere fraction of their size. Most bugs can’t harm you in anyway, yet women seem to be petrified of them.
It truly is amazing how the survival of the human race relies on something so strange. A woman might argue that men are worse then women, but at least we can go to the bathroom alone and aren’t in a constant state of paranoia that we will be mobbed by viscous ladybugs.
I'm well aware that some of you female readers are probably wondering how i got such a good mark on this, sometimes i wonder the same thing. but just because i want to mention it, my teacher is Mrs. Woods, and she hates me because of my little incidents that always occur that seem to piss her off. but she gave me 80 on this sucker and she is female (at least she appears to be) so that has to mean something.
-Matt
posted by Happy Death at 12:09 p.m.
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